The day started badly when Penny woke up at about 2:30am and then dozed restlessly for the rest of the morning. We got up a little after 9am with her and went about our daily business. We gave her her porridge and put her down for a bit of a kip. We got 20 minutes or so before she woke up, then we put her in her little car and she sat in the kitchen watcing Melissa do whatever it was she was doing.
My mother and father arrived just after half 10 and we had tea and a lovely chat. They brought Melissa a belated birthday present of a steam generator iron (her idea, honest) and then, at like, half 12, Melissa went out with her mum and Penny (shopping) and my mum and dad left.
I took this opportunity to have a bit of a nap and got into bed. I managed about an hour, but lay there for 2. Then I got up, searched high and low for a plastic bag with some photos in that I suspected Melissa had hidden (she had) and had a shower.
I'm now sitting on the couch in the living room, on my mum and dads laptop, watching Fraiser and waiting for Stew to arrive. I've just noticed the spell check isnt working on the laptop. That's as close to an apology as you're going to get, Adam.
I'll try and timestamp 'events' as and when they happen.
Stew turned up at a bit after half 5.
We had a Becks to set the tone for the evening and watched the end of the Carling Cup final. Like men. The team in red won.
We ordered food from Just Eat a little after 7pm and then opened the first proper beers of the night.
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| It begins |
I was just cursing the pizza delivery man for not turning up, but then there was a knock at the door and a nice man brought us this :
These came from Charcoal something or other, somewhere in Skem and they weren't that bad at all. I think we're going to finish this episode of Frasier and move on to a film. We're just about to move on to beer number 2. It's 20:16.
22:16. We're onto the nuts.
We're watching The Abyss. Three beers in. Another 5 to go. Good pacing so far. Oscars start at 1:30am. We're not even close yet.
11:38pm. Starting 4th beer. Halfway through. Now watching The Making Of The Abyss.
It's 00:21. It's finished. Now for Family Guy until 1:30am. We've elected not to watch the red carpet live.
00:31. Stew's just put the red carpet live on.
00:33. He's turned it off.
00:39. Stew's having a kip, I'm watching Heston Blumenthal gutting a pig.
01:10. South Park now. PISS OUT MY ASS. I'm Chriiiiiiis Haaaaaanseeeeeeen.
01:25. Back to Sky Movies HD and the ubiquitous (sp?) Moet adverts. Nearly time. Beer 5.
01:27. In the studio with Alex Zane and a bunch of people I don't know. Getting ready for the start.
Here we go. I've no idea how this is going to go... Here comes Morgan Freeman and not Billy Crystal. His bow tie is wonky. Ah. Here's Billy. Oh God, Justin Bieber.
Ok, here we go properly now. Billy's singing a song about the nominees for best film. I'm suddenly aware that most of the people reading this wont have ever seen the Oscars telecast. This might be quiet enlightening for you.
First award, presented by Tom Hanks. He has a beard and is presenting achievement in cinematography. Winner is Hugo. Quite well deserved. Hanks is back, this time it's Art Direction. Winner is Hugo again. Surprising, but welcome. It's a husband and wife team. The husband is doing the speech, the wife has had so much plastic surgery it looks impossible that she could even speak. Oh, wait, she thanked "Martin". I thought she meant me, but she meant the director, Martin Scorcese.
Advert for Moet. For a change, and some shitty Keifer Sutherland drama/film/rubbish.
Now Alex Zane is giving us his opinion even though we haven't asked for it.
Back to the Oscars, this time it's a montage of awesome films. Forrest Gump, Titanic, Princess Bride, Avatar, Amelie, Ghost, Jaws, Apollo 13, Raiders, Hangover, Planes Trains, Shawshank, Few Good Men, Star Wars, ET.. There were others, but I couldn't type them and quote them out loud for Stew's benefit.
Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Lopez now. Costume Design. You can ALMOST see Jennifer Lopez's nipple. Cameron Diaz is looking butch. Sandy Powell is nominated for this, she ALWAYS wins. Watch as she doesn't tonight. Winner is : Mark Bridges for The Artist.
Lopez and Diaz for makeup now. Iron Lady wins. Quite impressive, to be honest. Stew even said "it looks like a completely different person" during the montage.
Ad break, after a short montage of actors talking about the first films they saw at the cinema.
Stew's just said that if he ever was nominated for an Oscar, that I could go with him as his date. He couldn't promise hand holding, but that's fine. I will have him as mine if I'm ever nommed, but in reality, I don't think you can get nominated for an Oscar for doing fuck all.
Back to Alex Zane and his bunch of knobheads.
Just spilled beer on the bottom left quadrant of the keyboard. Sandra Bullock to present an award for best Foreign Language film. Probably going to A Separation. It did. I'm looking good in my Oscar sweepstake at work.
Christian Bale. Lovely. I wonder if he's in Cockney wideboy mode. He is. Nice tux. Best supporting actress. Hoping for Octavia Spencer to keep my sweep looking promising. Octavia Spencer. That trampoline is mine. Unnecessary standing ovation for the black girl who won an Oscar. It's almost patronising her for being black and acting in a movie about slavery. Well done, Octavia, though. Martin Scorcese deserved a standing ovation the other year for The Departed, having chased an Oscar for like 40 years. This was Octavia Spencer's first nomination. I might regret typing this in the morning but it's what we were thinking at the time.
Back to the knobheads in the studio.
Back to Billy. A funny bit about the Wizard of Oz with the cast of Best In Show.
Tina Fey, Bradley Cooper. Editing. Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, pretty sure I picked that in my sweep too. Hah, they didn't think they were going to win at all. What a lovely, awkward speech.
Best sound editing now, Hugo. Looks like it's going to win all the technical stuff.
Same presenters, now sound mixing. We think. Hugo, again. I'm not sure anyone expected this.
And back to the studio for Alex Zanes gibberish. Boyd Hilton (Heat magazine) said "no one expected Girl With The Dragon Tattoo to win best editing". I DID! HAH!
Back we go. Best animated feature. Presented by the Kermit and Miss Piggy. Awesome. Oh, hang on, It's another thing with like, people talking about thier earliest movie experiences, some weird shit is going on from Cirque Du Soleil. Very impressive indeed. That deserved the standing ovation it got.
Paltrow and Downey Jr to present. Best documentary. Undefeated won. Senna wasn't even nominated and that's the only documentary either of us have seen this year. So.
Chris Rock now, sporting an afro. He's presenting for best animated feature. Hoping for Rango. It's Rango. Sweepstake's back on.
And back to Alex, Boyd and the tossers. I'm going for a wee and to get beer number 6. It's 02:50.
Best visual effects. Ben Stiller and Emma Stone presenting. Hugo won. I think I put Planet of the Apes in my sweep. Stew just dropped the bottle opener. Bella is sat with us, Jones is looking for her. Stew's now eating the last of the nuts. We've not even touched the crisps or dips yet. I'm not even sure we will.
Melissa Leo now to present best supporting actor. Christopher Plummer finally won his first Oscar. Another well deserved standing ovation for Captain Von Trapp.
Back to the studio based shite.
Nearly finished the nuts. I have shards of spicy peanut stuck in my teeth. I have sores on my tongue, I suspect due to some sort of allergy to something.
Back to the action. This time it's a man no one knows to talk about something no one cares about. Back to Billy. Best score. Penelope Cruz and Owen Wilson. It has to the The Artist. It is. Excellent. The recipent is now reading a speech. He's French. He's being poetic. Oh, he's finished. I thought that was going to go on longer.
Will Ferrel and Zach Galifinakis. Playing cymbals. Best orginal song. I hope it's Bret McKenzie. It is! I'm genuinely thrilled for him.
Back to the studio. Blah, blah, blah.
Screenplays next. Original and adapted. Presented by Angelina Jolie. Looking rough. Adapted first. Hoping for Tinker, Tailor... But the descendants won. Not a bad result. Angelina's back. This time original. Probably The Artist, but maybe... Midnight in Paris. It was Woody Allen! He's not obviously not there, he never is. That was quite a surprise.
Another montage of actors talking about films they love.
Back to the studio. I have a strange yearning for a bottle of Moet.
Alex Zane tells us we're half way through. That seems wrong. But there we go.
Millia Jovovich is telling us who she presented the technical awards to earlier in the week.
Back to Billy. The cast of Bridesmaids are up. Best short film now, live action, The Shore. Documentary short subject now. Saving Face. I don't know where I'm up to with my sweep now. I should have printed out my nominations. Best animated short. The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr Morris Lessmore. No opinion on that.
03:46, just for a time check. Back to the studio once again. Best director next, apparently. According to Alex.
Michael Douglas. Best director. Michael Havanagila or whatever his name is, The Artist. Not sure there were any better candidates in the category, but there we go. Meryl Streep to introduce highlights from the... I missed what it was called, but it's old people winning awards that they probably should have won years ago, but may die soon and not get another chance.
Adverts. Sigh. Stew's just asked me how many words this is up and I'm somewhat distracted. I don't know what's going on. Back to Billy in LA.
Award for the best dead people. A moment's silence, please.
And once again back to the studio. Ad breaks are really pissing me off now. Speaking of piss...
Right, best ... Oh wait, more famous people talking about films they like. Right, Natalie Portman presenting best actor. Hoping for Gary Oldman, although expecting Jean DuJardin. It was Jean DuJardin. Probably well deserved, but, it should have been Gary.
Only two awards remain. I hope you're still reading this Matt. Best actor and best film. There's just been an advert for Grey's Anatomy which Melissa and I used to watch. We stopped just after Penny was born, we found ourselves too busy in the evening. I'm quite glad, it seems to be getting quite ridiculous.
We're back in the studio with Alex and the gang.
Best actress, presented by Colin Firth innit. Probably gonna be Streep innit. Streep wins. Unsurprising. I think I had her in the sweep. Another standing ovation. Probably unnecessary. Streep seems to think so. She's been nommed 17 times, won 3 now. Quite a nice speech.
Next up best film, surely to be preceded by more adverts and more Alex Zane.
Oh, wait, I was wrong. No more adverts, and better still Tom Cruise to present best film. It'll be The Artist. Tom Cruise looks AMAZING for almost 50.
The Artist takes it. It wasn't a bad film, but to be honest, there wasn't very many GOOD films this year. Certainly it was one of the best of the bunch. But there we go.
We didn't finish all our beers, we didn't even touch our munchies, Stew's phone has just run out of batteries. It's 04:37 so it's an early finish in many ways, but it's still pretty fucking late.
It's been almost a year since I started this blog and I want to thank you all for reading, I'm going to keep going for as long as I can, and hope you keep reading. I get over 1,000 views per month, so thanks for that.
I'm off work tomorrow, and plan on spending a large part of the day doing nothing so tomorrow nights blog wont be Earth-shattering.
